My Stupid Apple Pie ™

Normally, this is where you would read an entire life story about how someone came up with their recipe. I made it solely out of spite to make family members feel guilty about the quality of their own contributions, in a dysfunctional power struggle that's been raging for generations.

So instead, I will now write 20 paragraphs in which I confess to murder, that everyone will skip to get to the recipe... Or not. I'm lazy.

Enjoy.

Donate

Prep time: At least an hour.
Bake time: 25 to 30 minutes at 350°F
Imperial measurements.

For the Filling:

4 tbsp melted, unsalted butter
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp cinnamon

For the apples:

5 large apples
1 tsp cinnamon
1 lemon, juiced
3 tbsp unsalted butter
1/4 cup granulated sugar

For the crust:

1 pkg (of 2) of your favorite store-bought pie crust. (Lazy is a thing)

Step 1: Brine the apples.

Half fill a large mixing bowl with water, add the lemon juice and 1 tsp Cinnamon, whisk until consistent.
Cut each apple in half and remove the core. Cut very thin (2mm) slices or use a vegetable slice to cut evenly. (Not necessary to peel)
Add to water and cover, overnight. (Optional)

Notes:

Use a Mandoline Slicer. Nobody has that kind of time.
Do NOT call it a mandalorian slicer, like I did.

Step 2: Prep the crust.

Roll out your prepared pie dough to about a quarter of an inch. Transfer dough to pie dish and trim the edge leaving an inch of overhang then fold the edge under and pinch into a crimped pattern. Dock with a fork all over so steam can escape during the blind bake.
Preheat the oven to 350F and bake the empty shell for 10-15 minutes, or until just slightly golden.
Remove from oven and let cool.

Step 3:

Drain the apples from the brine.
Add 4 tbsp melted unsalted butter and 1/3 cup granulated sugar to the apples and mix until evenly coated.

Step 4:

Add 4 tablespoons of melted butter, 1/3 cup of sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract and a 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon together in a bowl and mix well.
Pour 3/4 of this mixture into the pie crust and evenly coat the bottom of the shell.

Step 5:

(You do NOT have to read all of this, just use the picture below until No. 3)

Starting at the outer edge, arrange the apples in tight concentric circles, overlapping each slice about halfway over its neighbor. Take care to stand the apples up vertically, with the cut edges down and the peel edge pointing up. Pack the rows very tightly. As you move toward the center, the apples will become trickier to bend into place. If you find the slices are breaking, slice the piece of apple even thinner to make it easier to bend, or microwave them for 90 seconds to make them softer. Roll the last few slices into a circle and tuck it in the center.
Or you can be lazy and put the apples in there however you like. You do you.
Drizzle the remaining 1/4 of the cinnamon-butter mixture onto the apples, in a circular motion, to match the pattern of the apples.

Step 6:

Bake at 350F for 25 to 30 minutes or until the apples begin to brown just slightly on the edges and the crust is a deep golden brown.

Let sit 5-10 minutes before serving and enjoy!